Good Riddance 2011, hello 2012

For a year that started with so much promise, I can honestly say that by the end it was the year that well and truly sucked.  The only good thing I can think of that happened was [finally] becoming pregnant (and believe me when I say that that in itself has its pros and cons!) and having an amazing drive around the west coast of the US.

Poor Husb's mum was ill from the very beginning, and quite unfairly so. For a lady who had never consumed alcohol (with the exception of the odd bit of sherry trifle) to develop Non-Alcoholic steatohepatitis causing cirrhosis of the liver (following a nice bout of e-coli and proceeded by pneumonia) was really not a nice thing.  She never really recovered. For one reason or another, the complete rest she was meant to have was never really forthcoming and so even by the summer she was still very weak.  Eventually her immune system had enough and gave up on her and so following 2 weeks in hospital she quietly passed away, thankfully before the pain got too much to bear.  From then on, things got progressively worse.  My father-in-law became unbearable and incapable, we became very poor overnight when it transpired we would have to cover all the funeral costs, we all went into collective consultation at work and redundancy loomed (and came for many) finally culminating in the sale of our flat falling through after our buyers walked away at the 11th hour.  Nice.

Christmas came and went in a blur spending an excruciating Christmas day with my father-in-law followed by a much more relaxed affair with my parents on Boxing Day.  Given my circumstances I couldn't even drink through the pain.  Husb managed to do exactly that though - lucky swine. 
New Year was rather pleasant in spite of the awful driving weather we encountered all the way to and from Hereford although it was a more subdued affair than usual given the emotions running high and a lot of reflection going on.

So bring on 2012, I say.  I can't see how it could possibly be much worse....
Arse, that was stupid wasn't it.
Jinxed it now....

Very bad day.....

Yesterday the people buying our flat pulled out of the deal.  The day before we were due to exchange contracts. Merry flippin' Christmas.
As you can imagine, I'm not happy.

Only 5 days ago I was at the house we're buying measuring up for curtain poles, new kitchen appliances and nursery furniture.  Let's face it, at this point would you expect it all to fall flat on it's backside!?  We were looking forward to spending an obscene amount of cash in the January sales but alas, we're back to square one.

I will be honest, I spent most of yesterday afternoon in tears.  Perhaps there was a touch of petulant child in the there with the whole 'why me?' mentality but at the same time I think it was a little justified.  I'm under no illusion that these guys have been stalling for about a week and the fact they didn't even tell the estate agent that they were withdrawing is a little galling.  To find out via my solicitor who received a letter posted a few days previously was not very nice at all.

I'm swinging between cross and upset.  I'm almost 5 months pregnant, having an awful time at work and was looking forward to getting out of a tiny flat.  I know I should be grateful that I have my own flat but it's getting terribly cramped after 9 years of collecting junk  - not to mention a husband who brought his own stack of junk.  Trying to fit everything in without the pending small person is a nightmare so when we have to try to put in more furniture to house the small person it could just tip us over the edge. 
So the choice it, get back on the horse and try to resell again and hope we manage it in time to get our house back or sit tight and live in a flat I'm beginning to really dislike and be as cramped as hell.  What a nightmare!

It makes me so cross that our system of house purchasing is so namby-pamby.  Short of there being a very good legal reason not to purchase, I find it amazing that it is perfectly acceptable to just change your mind at any time without any recourse.  It's simply not on.

Apparently they may be in a position to change their mind in January  - well BULLY FOR THEM!  I hope they have a lovely relaxed Christmas with no worries whilst I'm crying into my turkey gravy with not even the possibility of drinking myself into oblivion.  Thanks so much.

Ooooer madam.

I know that it's quite common to have vivid dreams when pregnant but I didn't know they would be quite like this...

I woke up in the night after having a very real and convincing dream in which I was ....erm... having 'intimate' relations with a very old friend whom I haven't actually seen in about 10 years.  He was quite good looking then and is still pretty hot now - even though he is 40 (huh, like I'm some spring chicken).

All very bizarre as even in the dream I was pregnant but didn't appear to have a Husb and friend didn't mind at all that I was 'with child'.  In fact I think he kinda liked it.  It was so real it scares me.  I woke up in quite a fluster - I had clearly enjoyed the experience, but then I got 'The Fear' about Husb rumbling my infidelity!  It took a couple of seconds to remember that I hadn't actually done anything, it was all my sub-conscious.  Ooops.  I'm still trying to decide whether up to fess-up to my friend (we still chat on Facebook).  He'd probably find it funny but I'd be mortified if he didn't.

Common Sense

I am constantly astounded by our friends and acquaintances.   From the minute we got married, we were asked almost weekly if I was 'pregnant yet'.  At that point we hadn't expressed any desire to get down to business with that anyway so why should it be assumed that marriage = babies?

I actually spent around 4 months drinking fairly heavily just to prove that i wasn't pregnant!  I wouldn't mind, but I'm not generally a big drinker and often drive to events but i just couldn't take the questions anymore.

Some of our closer friends knew when we had started trying and knew that we weren't having much luck and were sympathetic to our plight but without making it a big deal or common knowledge.

However in the last few weeks we have sold our flat and are in the process of buying a new house.  When we made this decision I was not pregnant, we just wanted to move anyway into something bigger.  During that process we discovered that I was pregnant and we were pretty chuffed  with our timing - hoping that we can be all finished and moved well before i get too enormous.

But apparently we can't just be moving house.  We must be moving house for a reason.   People at work keep telling me the new place is big enough for babies, our friends are actually coming outright and asking if there is something I want to share with them? (erm, no.  If i did then I would volunteer the information without the need for you to ask).
Even one of our neighbours asked Hubby on Saturday if I was 'expecting'.  I think we may need to speak more quietly when the windows are open in the flat....

Went to a birthday party on Saturday night and told nobody that i wasn't drinking (Hubby kept putting 'vodka' lime and sodas in front of me  - minus the vodka) nor that I was driving, yet still 3 people hinted at 'my condition' and one of Hubby's friends took him to one side and came right out and asked him.  At that point (ie: several pints into the evening) he couldn't even deny it and just swore him to secrecy.

Some may think that it's lovely our friends are so interested and happy for us etc, but I can't help feeling that some people are being terribly insensitive and downright rude.  Most of these people already have children and know how uncertain the first 12 weeks are.

I'm 38 years old  - hardly in the first flush of youth - so any risks of the first trimester are more than doubled for an old bird like me.  It will be bad enough if we get to the 12 week scan to be told bad news without having to then share and explain it to half of South East London.

I successfully managed to guess  2 friends' pregnancies in the last year but I said nothing to them (or to anyone else except my Hubby) until they called me to give me the news  - strangely enough - after their 12 week scan....And funnily enough, they are the two people  who haven't asked any questions at all and have kept quiet, even though I know they are suspicious.

Is it too much to ask for a little tact and sensitivity over these things?

It's semi-official

It was quite clear.  And it said, most definitely, 'Pregnant'  '1 - 2 weeks'.  I think it might have been telling the truth too as I definitely don't seem to be getting the usual confirmation that I'm not pregnant.

Let's think about this; we've been trying for 10 months and think there may have been 2 instances when we've been successful but, alas, my body didn't seem to think it was a good idea at the time.  I could be wrong - nothing has ever been confirmed and it would have been far too early for a doctor to tell I reckon.

In that time, I've stopped smoking, been sparing with the booze, taken my folic acid/vitamins, tried to keep fit and eat relatively healthily. 
Over the last 4 weeks, I've had a cigarette (shhhhh, don't tell hubby), had at least 4 big nights when I've drunk a significant amount, dangled off ladders inhaling far too many paint fumes than is healthy, dyed my own hair over the bath inhaling lord knows what chemicals and indulged in some pretty intense gym sessions. One of the 'significant amount of alcohol' days was the day before doing the first pregnancy test.  Ooops.  Think i might have eaten a substantial amount of brie that day too.  Double ooops.

Naturally , my doctor's surgery is overbooked and i can't get an appointment until next Thursday so it's not been officially confirmed yet.  Don't know if that's good or bad really.  I'm trying not to get too excited, it's early days and I don't want to tempt fate - I've known far too many people who have been disappointed and upset at an early stage.  God that sounds maudlin doesn't it.  At what point does cautious become pessimistic?

That aside, I have so many drinking opportunities booked in the diary this month that I will have to become extremely adept at lying through my teeth to people.  I think I may be more successful at this than Hubby who is already trying to concoct convoluted stories as to why I might be driving/not drinking. Oh dear.  He really has to learn that the best lies are the simple ones.  At least I should be safe in the knowledge that I'll always know when he's fibbing his arse off to me. 

Erm, how did that happen?

So I think I might be pregnant.


I'm not going to get my hopes up but I'm due on tomorrow and according to the Clearblue test, it looks like that won't be happening.  Although, Hubby and I have looked very closely at the test - the cross is very faint, but I guess you can't be 'a little bit pregnant'... Whenever I've done these tests before the horizontal line telling you that you're not pregnant has always been very strong and this test was pretty vague.


So I did what most normal people do and went and bought a twin pack of tests that give you a digital result.  I can't be arsed with the ambiguity of deciphering a bloody picture.  I just want it to say 'pregnant' or 'not pregnant'. 


Gulp.

Yesterday I went for a blood test.  I say 'blood test', but in the words of the late, great Tony Hancock, I had to provide 'very nearly an armful'.  Who knew that you needed to give 3 full tubes of the stuff?

Anyway, that aside, the reason for my blood test was emblazoned across the testing form…
”sub-fertility”  

Not sure I ever imagined that I would ever be in that category of people. Certainly not during my 20's when I spent the whole time praying that I wasn't pregnant - and I mean literally praying sometimes. 
It’s all a bit odd isn’t it?  I’ve spent the last 20 years doing everything I can to prevent reproduction and now it seems that I may need not have worried quite so much.

I’m going to be honest, I’ve never really been that bothered about children.  I’ve always worked on the theory that if I have one then great but if I don’t, that’s also great.  It would also mean that I would have more disposable income, a tidier house, better holidays and spend much more time asleep.  Frankly that sounds like quite a good deal to me.

That was until the possibility that the ability to choose might have been taken away from me.  Husb and I stopped trying to prevent babies a week or so before our wedding last year and 10 months on there’s still no sign.  Actually, that’s not strictly true.  I’m fairly sure I came back from my honeymoon pregnant, and I’m fairly sure that a few days later that was no longer the case.  For someone who is never late, nor ever suffers from cramps, I was a week late and bedridden in agony.  Husb had never seen me like that before and was clearly shaken at the sight of his wife throwing nurofen down her neck whilst doubled-up in pain in bed by 8.30pm.

I was quite pragmatic about it back then – in a way it’s good news, I mean, if I was pregnant then that means that I can get pregnant. The time just wasn’t right then unfortunately.  Last night, however, whilst having a very grown-up discussion about our respective ‘deposits’ that morning (yes, Husb had to do ‘his bit’ too and believe me it was far less glamorous than giving blood!) I got more emotional then I ever could have imagined.  Not helped by the news of the birth of a new baby to our friends who got married a week before we did last year.  It could so easily have been us sharing that news. 

I suppose the big problem is that this is not something that Husb and I really want (or feel it appropriate) to discuss with all our friends at this time.  Yes, two close girlfriends know we're going for tests as does my mum but right now we'd rather not make it pub-chat-fodder.   It does make it that little bit awkward though when we get asked AGAIN if we're thinking about having children.  Hey ho.

So, what's the answer?  Well it's not all doom and gloom is it? We've been told to 'just enjoy trying'.  Sounds good to me.  I prescribe a glass of wine and an early night!