One month later

It got  better. 

Well it had to really otherwise I may have thrown myself from a bridge.  I had a meltdown - it was pretty bad.  Completely lost it at my husband.   On that particular day I was hot, bothered, exhausted and covered in baby sick.  Boychild had been screaming all day and I just felt as though my life was over.  

5 months ago I was juggling a £1M budget and booking some of the best musicians in the world and now I was looking like shite wearing clothes my mother wouldn't be seen dead in (too fat for regular clothes and too thin for my maternity clothes), spending hours trying to clean the flat but not able too as my child wouldn't sleep for long enough (or allow me to put him down) so fed up of living in a pigsty, constantly washing bottles and trying desperately to keep my milk supply up (after the abominable mess made of breastfeeding caused partly by the midwives and partly by the bureaucratic arses at Kings College Hospital - another long story for another time) and having absolutely no life whatsoever as that would only be achievable with some energy - something I was clearly lacking.

Husband listened.  He didn't really understand and thought I was criticising him (I wasn't)  but he knew I was close to breaking point.

I stopped trying to be superwoman and also gave up fighting the losing battle of my own milk.  Husband therefore could do some of the night feeds.  He now does Friday and Saturday night feeds - I can't expect him to get up at 3am during the week when he has to go to work, I'm not that unreasonable.  I've still only been out alone 3 times but I can live with it.  2 on Friday nights so that hubby can do the feed and I can sleep and once to a Pilates class.  It's a vague hope of trying to get back my pre-baby bod and shake off the backache!

I also have given up being bothered about Freddie crying when we're out.  He needs to get used to it as needs must and one must shop occasionally!  Now I'm more relaxed, then he is too. I always knew that would happen but it's very tricky to implement when one is completely shattered. 

He still won't nap much  - 30 minute bursts  - but now he's older he will sit in his chair for a short while and watch me in the kitchen so I can at least clean all his bottles and prepare his feeds.

This morning he slept for 90 minutes whilst I attended a mum and baby fitness class - Pushy Mothers.  He loved it and I can barely move.  Lord, the last time I ached that much I had been beasted by a personal trainer in preparation for my wedding!  And that time, I got to come home, have a bath and cry quietly in the corner.  Today I had to come home, wash my sweaty face and change my t-shirt and carry on with looking after Baby Boy.   I must stink!  But I am so proud of my little one - he clearly loves being out in the fresh air and has absolutely no interest in watching me exercise!

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that he has got better - it's not perfect and I'm still not getting anywhere near enough sleep, but I can live like this and not feel like a total failure.  I'm even beginning to get quite sad about having to go back to work - something I never thought I would say.  People change I guess.

Long time no speak...

So it's been three months since my last post. Babies huh?
I knew other would hard but not this hard.

I watch mums walk up and down my road with their prams , and walk round the shops with sleeping babies and i wish i could do that. But i can't. I'm filled with dread whenever i consider going out alone. My son cries. Then when he's done crying, he cries some more. If you hold him and walk about he stops. If you push his pram cross country he will sleep . But if you want to stop moving or sit down, he will scream.  shopping is impossible. Housework is impossible. My life is impossible.

He is better around other people - he likes noise and voices. Unfortunately the radio and tv don't cut it.  it has to be other people. Even then it only works for a few minutes.

Perhaps if he gave in to sleep he would be in a better mood. I pay a fortune to an Osteopath each week to try to chill him out. We've done baby massage . It's fine while he's there but not when we leave.
As i am typing, on my phone as i can't possibly get the laptop out, he is laying on the floor screaming. I have spent 12 weeks cooing , soothing, cuddling, remaining calm and generally tying to be chilled. I tell myself it will get better. But it's  not so now i will just have to let him scream it out.
God i hope this gets better soon.
I am shattered.

I'm a mummy!

Forgive me Blogspot for I have sinned, it's been weeks since my last posting.  But I have a good reason.  


I was really down in my last few weeks at work, felt awful and huge and knackered.  Then when I finished work it got worse so I didn't really just want to spend the whole time moaning.   But now.....!!


I AM A MUM!!


I won't lie, it was horrific - worse than I imagined (long story for another time) but I have the most beautiful result in the world.  My gorgeous son Freddie.  He's now a whole 5 days old and aside from giving mummy and daddy one completely sleepless night, he has been an absolute angel.  I'm under no illusion that it will last but what do i care!?  I'm on so many drugs right now , nothing matters.  (thank you hospital!)


He has the most wonderful blue/black eyes that you could swim in, daddy's nose (sorry son, but you're gonna have a corker there) daddy's ears (yea!!! it means he can avoid the massive flappers from my side of the family) and according to Husb, he has mummy's mouth. Hmmmm, not sure about that but I'll take it.
The long legs and big feet have me very confused seeing as Husb and I are pretty short and mini but hey ho.  His hair looked dark to start with but he has no eyebrows so I think the fair ginger gene might be creeping through....Meh, it's character building!  Oh, and he has the smelliest farts I've ever experienced from a baby.  (Too much information?  I don't think so, these things are important!)


Anyway, it's Saturday night and I'm indoors watching the end of the the Champions League Final and not at a 40th birthday party and I don't care.  My baby boy is asleep on Daddy's lap and I'm not as shattered as I thought i would be (but everything is relative I guess).  So signing off for now as I'm missing my cuddles.


Happy Mummy!

Cool baby?

I think i might be having a cool baby.  At least that's what I hope.

After being reasonably quiet this morning, baby started it's wriggling as soon as I put on Muse 'Butterflies and Hurricanes'.  Really going for it too!  So i tried an experiment and put the track on 3 times... it wriggled and kicked in exactly the same place each time.  Hoorah!  I had a similar response to Nirvana 'Smells like teen spirit' and then it went really quiet with Will Young.

I really hope this means that it likes Muse and not the complete opposite.  More experiments required I feel...

Justified grumblings?

I won't lie, I've always been a bit of a grumbler but I am getting more so as I get older and more pregnant.  Here are just a selection of my irritants from the last week week...

1) Today the Telegraph online reported that Connie Huq and Charlie Brooker had named their new baby Covey.  Nope not exactly news that will help me to get through my day but then it was in the 'celebrity news' section and so not really infringing on column inches reserved for world politics.  It was a nice story to read - two people from the telly/media have had a baby and have given it a name slightly more interesting than John or Jack.  Not perhaps a name I would have chosen but then it's not my baby and none of my business really.  So why do people feel the need to log onto the site and comment [quite bitterly and hurtfully] firstly on 'who the hell these people are' - one being quite a successful satirical writer and journalist and the other a fairly well-known TV celeb but lesser-known writer - and then cast scorn and disgust on their choice of baby name?   Lord alive, do people really have that little to think about in their lives or fill their days?  Or is it just too fashionable to be an internet troll right now?   
If you think celebrity news is too trivial to bother you then don't read it.  Easy solution.

2) Lady on train.  I'm sorry you are ill, but the fact you can barely stand, have solidly coughed and sneezed for 25 minutes straight and look awful suggests that this has not come on since lunchtime.  Why did you go to work and insist on trying to infect everyone on South Eastern trains? Yes, I am sitting here covering my mouth because the last time I had a cold (when only 14 weeks pregnant) it lasted over 3 weeks and was vile as I couldn't take any medication.  Please accept you're ill and stay at home!

3) Man on tube.  I know you saw me.  I know you saw my enormous, almost 8 month bump, and I know you chose to then look me in the eye and look back at your paper as I stood directly in front of you trying not pass out on the packed District Line train.  I'm sure your wife would be really proud.

4) Lady tutting behind me at Embankment station as I walked up the stairs.  I'm so sorry that I was 'blocking your way' when you clearly needed to get up the stairs faster than I was allowing you.  I'm afraid the extra 2 stone I'm carrying in a rather inconvenient place tends to prevent me from taking the steps two at a time.  Oh and the fact the other side of the steps was completely clear makes me wonder why you didn't take that route if your exit was so urgent?


5)  Virgin Media.  You irritate me generally.   You're incompetent, slow, useless and you lie.  Anyone in my office who has heard me trying to get my phone line fixed will know that I am close to breaking point. I don't think it's too much to ask to get them to fix it seeing as it's been pretty rubbish for almost 10 months now....

6) Olympic-sized moaners.  Some people just moan about the Olympics for something to do.  You are boring me now.  Get over it. And as for the flak Stella McCartney is getting about the new kit - Jeez!! 
Do the athletes like it? YES! 
Is it fit for purpose? YES 
Is it recognisable as our national flag and obvious it's a team GB kit?  YES
Then what is the problem?  Get a life. 

7) Budget moaners.  Are you blissfully unaware of the mess this country is in financially? There is no easy solution - I'm sure if there was then Greece would already be doing it and we would be following suit very quickly.  There were some things I liked in the budget and some things I didn't.  I will be better off for a while and then worse off very soon afterwards.  It's not great but then life isn't fair.  I imagine that most people are the same.  There is no perfect solution and unfortunately we are all just going to have to ride it out.  I know that The Opposition have been quick to cast scorn and derision on some of the policies however I note that none of them have suggested some better alternatives... they simply waste their breath on telling the Tories what a crap job they are doing.  I have no respect for any politician, from any side of any fence who just attack opposing policies.  Get an opinion, get policies and get arguments to back them up.  Then I'll be interested and have more time for you all.


I think that's probably enough for now....:o)

Something I just had to share.... a very misguided Gina Ford?

I found this blog by accident and this happened to be the first article.  I hope the Mostly Yummy Mummy won't mind me sharing it here.  I'm still in shock to be honest.  You can read the whole post here at  mostlyyummymummy


In a nutshell, it's her little rant over the divorced and childless Gina Ford's declaration that after 4 - 6 weeks from giving birth, us ladies should be ready to get jiggy with our menfolk whether we're in the mood/physically ready/emotionally ready or not.... Nice huh?

From someone who is around 8 weeks from giving birth and is feeling about as sexy as a knitted bog-roll cover and who has watched far too many episodes of 'One born every minute' than is healthy, I'm pretty sure that I won't want to get down and dirty with Husb that quickly.    

I have a lot of friends with children and know that some of them are still struggling to sit comfortably after  a month let alone wiggle around in a sexy fashion.  Jeez, who does that woman think she is?  Well, we know actually; someone who has never given birth or had stitches in places that you really don't want to imagine.

Apparently our poor partners may feel left out in the cold and neglected.... well boo-friggin'-hoo.  If they do, then maybe they should have thought of that before deciding reproduction was a good idea.   Don't misunderstand me, physical contact and emotional closeness is important in every relationship and I'm sure it is very easy to get swept along with the new baby roller coaster and unwittingly push your partner away but that doesn't mean you have to put on a your best Rigby & Peller and lay there thinking of England just to show him you care.  Besides which, your leaking breasts will probably ruin a perfectly good bra, and the sounds of a squawking newborn may not have the same effect on your libido as the dulcet tones of Barry White...

Of course, I may be one of the women who is eager to get back on the horse (as it were) relatively quickly and if I am, whoopee for Husb, but something tells me that he won't want to anyway if he thinks I'm only doing it for show.  And I feel very lucky to have a partner who does have that kind of mindset.  

Recent discoveries....

- After a recent trip to a country hotel in Oxfordshire, it’s been discovered that I don’t snore in Oxford.  Husb would like to move me into said hotel for the remainder of my pregnancy, it’s the best sleep he’s had in around 6 months…

- Never believe photos on a hotel website.  Standard room photos generally look okay, but in ‘the flesh’ they can be reminiscent of a prison cell – small, stark and with no room to actually lay down a suitcase.

- Complaining really does help in getting an upgrade at a bargain rate.  Especially if you’re 7 months pregnant and looking slightly tearful.

- Having a tummy upset at 7 months pregnant is not fun at all.   Especially when it comes hand in hand with regular contraction-like cramping.

- Your unborn baby will not care a jot that you are in pain from a tummy upset and won’t even notice.  I have this on good authority from the lady who monitored mine for half an hour whilst I was in agony.

- Apparently at 32 weeks, ‘quads’ are considered full-term.  Jeez.  I pity anyone carrying 4 babies around!

- My unborn child has an enormous head.  This was reported by a lovely sonographer yesterday who told us that the size of it only just brings it inside the boundary of ‘normal’ sized.  Excellent.   I think I may be considering being too posh to push….

- It is a sobering thought to think I have two plastic storage boxes in my spare room.  One is entirely devoted to 'bum' stuff - nappies, wipes etc. And one is devoted to 'boob' stuff - bottles, nipple shields, expressing contraptions and other such glamourous products. God, I miss proper shopping.... shoes, clothes and make-up