In at the deep end.

Sitting on the tube en route to the office for the first time since April 2012.  I am not as heavy as i was back then nor am i wearing a 'baby on board ' badge but i am possibly more tired and have aged 5 years.

I have been up for almost 3 hours and achieved very little, tho i am dressed and made up and Boychild is tucked away nicely at nursery. He will have a great time I'm sure. I, however , will be on edge all day.

Head is thumping....prob from dehydration. Cried for about 3 hours yesterday and did 'guilt'  playing with him for most of the afternoon. This, of course, resulted in me not eating til almost 9 after having to do all my chores after he went to bed rather than me doing them 'with him helping' throughout the day. (Husb was away on business unfortunately but it gave us some quality mummy and sprog time) .

Husb returned not long after 9 last night and insisted on me telling him everything he had missed....poor love is a softer sap than I when it comes to Boychild.

Anyway, so far i have needed assistance in buying my travelcard  and a nice man on the South Ken platform asked me if i needed any help and called me 'lovely lady'.  I guess my squinty tired eyes and shellshocked face must have made me seem like an out-of-towner rather than than a professional yummy mummy - the look  i hoped to achieve when choosing my first day back outfit!

Oh well, there is always tomorrow to try again.

Back to the grindstone...

In four weeks time I will be returning to world of work.  Deep joy and rapture....

I've shocked myself.  I thought I would be desperate to get back to work by now but actually I am getting a little upset about leaving Boychild in a nursery almost every day.   I have never had a problem with working mothers or childcare - in this day and age, needs must.  And personally I do think that everyone needs a little adult conversation on a regular basis and Lord knows have I been lacking in that over the last few months!

But now the guilt has started.  Not from anyone else - I don't think anyway - but from me.  When I tell people I'm going back to work, I use the word 'unfortunately' when saying I'm going back full-time, and 'for now'.  I finally understand what Husb has been saying for the last 8 months about how much he misses Boychild each day especially if he doesn't make it home in time to bath him before he goes to bed.   I know I will see him every night but that will literally be all.  I will pick him up from nursery at 6.30 and by the time we get home the little munchkin will be getting in the bath and going to bed.  

So what to do?  Somehow I don't think there will be any record labels springing up in SE London and within a 30 minute commute any time soon, nor do I think I will find any similar work that will even come close to my salary closer to home so I guess I will have to just suck it up and accept that my working will, at least for now, be an investment for his future.  If I work now then hopefully I can drop down to part-time or career change in the next year or two once we're a little more financially secure.  I'm sure he'll forgive me!  Besides, what's so bad about being in a room full of toys and other kids to play with all day long?  He'll probably have more fun there than he does now watching me hoover!